Slow Birth Page 4

  Urho took a deep breath, and his nose twitched.

  “You smell it, too?” Vale asked. “Jason scented a change in me almost immediately after the heat.”

  Jason trembled and pressed his face to Vale’s knee. He’d nearly lost his mind the final night in the cabin when he realized that the odd scent he kept picking up over dinner was coming from Vale. The scent of a growing baby. Their baby.

  “You should have called me as soon as you got back,” Urho said quietly. “The herbal remedies often work in the earliest stages.”

  “I didn’t see any reason to think that I could be pregnant,” Vale said, putting his chin out. “No reason to endure cramping and bleeding if there was no babe.”

  “No reason to…” Urho huffed dramatically and spread his hands wide, snarling. “This boy pumped loads of his cum in your fertile womb for four days straight, and you didn’t think there was any reason to think you might be pregnant?” He scoffed. “Irresponsible. Both of you. Especially you, Jason. You call yourself an alpha?”

  Jason growled but then whimpered. He hung his head, shame filling him from foot to crown.

  Vale snapped. “Don’t do that to him. He’s already tearing himself up over this. He did what any alpha would do.”

  Urho raised a skeptical brow that made Jason want to punch him but only after eviscerating himself first. Hissing, he said, “He entered you, left his cum in you, all while knowing the consequences of a pregnancy.”

  “Urho,” Vale bit out. “We’re Érosgápe. Tell me you could have let Riki suffer. Tell me you could have sat there by his bed and listened as he howled in pain. When he was dying, did you regret that you’d—”

  Urho cracked. “Wolf-god! Don’t speak of that.”

  “Tell me you would have done it differently.”

  Urho’s shoulders sank. “I couldn’t have. Never.” He turned to Jason then and said in a gentler tone, “You did what you were supposed to do.”

  Jason shook his head, his throat tight. “I killed him.”

  “No. You fucked him, which is what our very natures demand. Why do you think omegas suffer so much?”

  Jason cast his mind back to Alpha-Omega Relations class and whispered, “Because their glands become inflamed, and their nerves are—”

  “Not medically, but evolutionarily,” Urho interrupted, his voice gruff. “Their agony calls to us. It breaks down any reluctance on our part to knot and breed. Their pain is so great that it forces us to soothe them. It is wolf-god’s plan.”

  Jason scoffed at the idea of a god who would use agony as a motivator. What kind of god was that?

  Stepping closer to them, Urho reached down to squeeze Jason’s shoulder. “It’s hard enough to stand by when any omega is hurting in heat. An Érosgápe? Impossible. Don’t beat yourself up about this.”

  Jason gritted his teeth and said nothing, pulling away from Urho’s attempt at fatherly comfort. He hated him for his condescension. Hated him for acting like Jason had done anything other than let Vale down in every way possible. He knew that if he’d never entered Vale’s life, then Urho would have continued to handle Vale’s heats, and none of this would have ever happened. Vale would be safe, and—

  He twitched.

  And Urho’s. And that wasn’t possible. Every cell in his body rebelled at that, and he snarled at Urho, held back only by Vale’s hand circling his wrist.

  “It’s not Urho’s fault that he’s an asshole,” Vale said softly. “He’s given his best version of an apology. Accept it and let’s move on to the part where he explains what we can still try.”

  Urho sighed and turned to his black medical bag. “I should examine you, confirm the pregnancy, but I don’t trust that it’s a good idea right now.” He gave Jason a pointed look. “We both scent it on you. It seems well-latched given the intensity of the change in your smell, and yet the place to start is still with the herbs.” He opened the bag and withdrew a few tins, sorting through the pills inside, and creating a special assortment in an empty tin for Vale. “Plus a few stronger abortifacients. Less legal ones.”

  These he handed to Jason, who took them and stared at the skull and crossbones label on the side. “This is poison?”

  “Of course. That’s what kills the babe, makes it unlatch, and creates the cramping to expel him. At this stage, it’s unlikely to be dangerous. It will make Vale sick as a dog, but it isn’t enough to hurt him, of course.”

  Kills the babe.

  Jason shuddered at the brutal words. He swallowed hard. He couldn’t admit it, not to Vale, not to anyone, but the scent of Vale and the baby combined was far from repugnant. It was divine. Delicious. The most perfect scent he’d ever caught except for Vale’s when Jason had imprinted on him in the library. Viscerally, he wanted it to grow stronger, to expand and fill the house, and the idea of ending it, cutting it short…

  He swallowed the thick lump in his throat again. Fuck. There was no good solution. Nothing painless. Everything hurt.

  Vale had placed a hand on his stomach, his skin looking paler than usual, and his pulse thrumming in his neck. “Kill the babe,” he whispered, clearly caught on the same words that had pierced Jason in the heart.

  “Vale,” Urho said, his voice hitching sadly, “there’s no other way.”

  Vale reached for the tin in Jason’s hands, looked at it, and squeezed his eyes shut. “I take these all at once, or…?”

  “All at once. Then make yourself as comfortable as possible. The pain will be intense when the cramps take over, but nothing as bad as an unserviced heat. Your memories of that must be bright enough still. This will pale in comparison.”

  “I…don’t…” Vale stared at the tin some more, the silver glinting in the light from the windows. “I’m cold.”

  Jason moved dully but immediately to the fireplace. Laying the fire was easy enough, but it felt good to take even a small action that went toward caring for Vale. He’d done everything he could since they’d returned from the trip to make it up to Vale, to show him he was sorry that he hadn’t been stronger. But Vale didn’t seem to understand what he was doing, taking his service to him as evidence of his fear alone, and lost in his own thoughts about what might be coming.

  Or, once Vale took the pills in that tin, wouldn’t be coming.

  “Jason?” Urho asked. “Did you hear me? You will need to keep him under observation, and if there is excessive bleeding like what you witnessed with your pater, then you must call an ambulance to come. If there are questions, you’ll say it was a miscarriage. You’ll both look miserable enough that they’ll believe you. This once anyway. But you won’t be making a habit of it.”

  The reference to Jason’s pater’s losses was also horrible, and Jason rubbed a hand over his eyes, trying to block out the horrifying memory of his beloved pater on his knees, bleeding profusely and crying in pain. He wouldn’t be able to stand seeing Vale like that.

  “Urho, really, you are too blunt today,” Vale scolded. “He’s scared, can’t you see that?” He reached out his hand for Jason to come to him, but Jason didn’t.

  Jason straightened his shoulders instead and said, “We’re all scared, Vale. You don’t need to tiptoe around me.”

  Vale’s brows quirked, and so did his mouth, but he didn’t argue, which was kind of him. Jason knew he’d been less than what Vale needed since they got back. Not nearly stoic enough. Crazy with worry. Compulsive in his care.

  “Please leave us,” Vale said to quietly to Urho. “Thank you for coming. You’ve been the best friend to us both, and I love you for it.”

  Jason bristled slightly, but let it roll off. It wasn’t that kind of love for Vale. It never had been. For Urho, however? Yes. He’d loved Vale—and probably still did—with the kind of romantic ardor that Vale deserved, and which Jason worked hard to ignore. Because otherwise he’d have to murder Urho, and that seemed like the sort of thing Vale would have a hard time forgiving him for. And the sort of thing he’d have a hard time forgiving himself
for, too. Consciences were a pain in the ass.

  Urho issued some further instructions regarding the pills and Jason heard them through a wall of white noise. Watch Vale’s temperature. Keep him cool. Let him cramp and bleed and pass the child out of his body. “Don’t be surprised if he comes out in more than one piece,” Urho said calmly in the same way Jason might say, “Don’t be surprised if the daffodil bulbs multiply.”

  Vale made a choking noise at that and Jason hustled to his side, dropped to his knees, and wrapped his arms around Vale’s middle. He said nothing, though, holding Vale hard but not talking, because what could he possibly say? They were going to destroy the most beautiful thing they’d ever made.

  “Call me if you need help,” Urho said, putting his hand on Jason’s head in a way that should have pissed him off, but instead felt like sympathy and shared sadness. “You know my number.”

  Then Urho left them alone with the tin of pills and the silence of the study.

  “Mreow.” The small noise came from beneath the sofa, and Zephyr crept out, her silver fur gleaming in the morning light from the windows. She bounded onto the hearth and perched there, watching them with her golden eyes, still as a statue.

  “I wonder if he would have your eyes,” Vale whispered, and Jason held him even closer, pressing his face to Vale’s stomach and scenting the small seed of their child growing in there. “Your hair.”

  They were silent for a long moment until Zephyr broke her pose and trotted through the door into the hallway.

  “I wanted children,” Vale said. “My whole life, I wanted them.”

  “Vale,” Jason said cautiously. “Don’t do this to yourself.”

  “I want this child, Jason.”

  Jason swallowed, and tears filled his eyes. He sat back on his heels. “I know. But you can’t have him.”

  Vale pressed his lips into a grim line, and he clenched the tin convulsively. “I could.”

  “No.”

  “I don’t have to take these.”

  “Vale, baby, you can’t leave me.” Jason’s voice broke. “Please. I know this is hard. I want him, too. I can smell how perfect and beautiful he is, and I know that he’s part of you, and part of me, and…fuck…” He broke off, the tears that kept coming ever since the heat in the mountain cabin overwhelmed him again. “I want him, too, but we can’t have him. We can’t.”

  Vale sat very still. His knuckles white around the tin. “You want him, too?”

  Ice dripped into Jason’s veins. His eyes went wide. “Whatever your thinking, don’t. Don’t do this to me.”

  Vale nodded slowly. “You’re right. I know you’re right.”

  Jason took him by the hand and pulled him up from the wingback chair. “Let’s get it over with, baby. Before we second-guess ourselves.”

  Before you make me lose you entirely.

  In the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror, Vale held the small white pills in his hand. He could hear Jason in their bedroom, readying the bed with old towels to catch the blood and gore should the pills work. Vale shuddered and put his hand over his stomach.

  He was naked now. Jason had helped him out of his soft pants and t-shirt, kissing his shoulders, pecs, and thighs as he did. There’d been nothing sensual in it. No, it’d been worshipful, sorrowful, and scared. Like he needed Vale to understand that every part of him was what Jason needed—now and always.

  I want him, too.

  Vale heard the words again. Jason’s voice had trembled and shaken with grief as he’d spit the confession out. His alpha wanted their child—probably just as much as Vale did, if not more. And the one thing Vale had been afraid of from the start had come to pass. He was denying Jason a family. His injuries and scars were depriving the best man in the world—the sweetest alpha to ever live, the most beautiful soul he’d ever know, the most loving boy in the whole world—a family of his own.

  What would happen if he didn’t end it? What other options were there? The last time he’d gone to Urho for a checkup, he’d asked him to check the scar tissue. But he’d noticed it wasn’t as painful when he and Jason had sex now, and that it seemed to be more amenable to rough activities like fisting. Which Jason loved to do, and Vale enjoyed as well. Riding Jason’s wrist with his fist balled up inside him as a makeshift knot was always beautiful between heats. During heat, it wasn’t enough, but for the months in between…perfect.

  Urho had said the scar tissue did seem more elastic, and he credited Jason’s persistent use of Vale’s body for stretching it out and breaking down the inelasticity of the tissue. He’d also mentioned the natural properties of alpha sperm for reducing the residual inflammation. That had been months ago. Would it be even softer now?

  “Vale?” Jason called from the bedroom.

  “Be right out.”

  “Are you taking them now?”

  Vale stared at the white pills, so stark against the flesh of his palm. A strange sense of unreality gripped him, and almost like he was in a dream, he tipped his hand so the pills fell in the toilet.

  “No,” he said firmly. “I’m not.”

  Then he flushed them away.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Vale was certain Jason was going to have a heart attack if he didn’t calm down, and yet his baby alpha was so upset that Vale didn’t dare get close for fear he’d accidentally get in the way of Jason’s flailing arms.

  “How could you do this? How? I’m calling Urho. I’m calling him now.”

  “What good will that do, darling?” Vale asked quietly. “I’m not taking the pills.”

  He sat on their big bed, back to the headboard and naked from the waist up. He’d pulled his soft pants on again but left the t-shirt where Jason had let it fall to the floor earlier. He held a pillow over his chest and stomach, clutching it for comfort as Jason madly paced the bedroom floor.

  “You will take them,” Jason said, pointing a long finger at him. Oh, how Vale loved those fingers. So beautifully formed and so generous when on his body. “You will take them, or I’ll force you to take them.”

  Vale pressed his lips together, saying nothing. He waited for Jason to hear his words for himself. Which, of course, he did after only a moment.

  “Please, Vale. Don’t do this. I’m sorry. I know I can’t make you take them, but wolf-god, please—for me, for our love, for our life together—please take them. Please.”

  “I flushed them,” Vale reminded him. “I don’t have any to take. And I won’t take them, even if you have Urho bring more.”

  “Could he talk sense into you?” Jason asked angrily, throwing his arms wide. “If he came over, could he get it into your head that you cannot, must not, will not have this baby?”

  “You want him, too,” Vale whispered.

  Jason’s mouth worked, and tears flooded his eyes. “Not at this cost!”

  “We don’t know that it will cost my life.”

  “We do! We’ve always known that. It will cost your life. I’ll lose you. I’ll be alone and without you. Forever.” His voice broke, his eyes growing desperate. “Don’t do that to me. Don’t leave me alone here.”

  Vale opened his arms wide, inviting Jason into them, but Jason kept his distance, staring at Vale with such seething hurt that Vale felt it in his own chest. “Baby alpha, listen to me. We’ll call Urho tomorrow. Have him look me over, check the scar tissue again, and see—”

  “I don’t want his fingers in your body.”

  “I know you don’t, but he’s a doctor, and he will be honest. If it’s not any better, if there’s not an improvement to the elasticity, then I’ll take the pills tomorrow.”

  Jason gazed at him. A shiver passed over his body. “Don’t lie to me.”

  Vale swallowed hard. “I want your child. Our child. Please let me try.”

  “No.”

  “It’s my body.”

  “You’re mine. My Érosgápe. My omega. You may not have this baby. I won’t allow it.”

  Vale let loose a small, sa
d sound. “Oh, sweet baby boy, come here.” Jason took an involuntary step forward and then stopped dead.

  “No. You won’t have him.”

  “You can’t stop me from trying.”

  “I order you to stop this nonsense, Vale. Stop it. Now. Stop it!”

  Vale rubbed a hand over his face. “I love you. More than my own life.”

  Jason’s lips quivered, his face splotched with fury. “I don’t want you to do this for me. I don’t want this baby.”

  “But Jason, you do.”

  Vale held himself firm as Jason crumpled to the floor, curling in on himself, and begging with every breath. Finally, Vale slowly rose from the bed and crouched down beside Jason on the floor, wrapped his arms around him and murmured, “This isn’t your choice. It’s mine.”

  Jason had never thought himself capable of hating Vale, but as he stood beside him inside Urho’s clinic, he thought he might. He felt so helpless and betrayed, but Vale was calm. Deadly calm. Stubborn as hell. Mind made up. He’d only seen him like this one other time, and he’d nearly lost him then.

  He wasn’t going to lose him now.

  “Just make him take the pills,” Jason gritted out when Urho stood gaping at Vale like an especially handsome fish. “Or inject him. Please. Urho. Help me.”

  Vale shot him a dark glance but kept his mouth shut otherwise, and Urho ignored Jason like he didn’t even exist.

  “You want me to examine you? Vale, we’ve been over this—”

  “No, that was years ago. At my last checkup, you said the scar tissue was—”

  “He had his fingers in you? When!” Jason placed himself in between Urho and Vale, anger and fear making a muddle of all his protective instincts. “You’ve touched him?”

  Urho scoffed and shoved Jason aside. Jason had grown a lot over the last few years and was more a man than ever, but Urho was muscled, and he could still move Jason like he was a dumb, teenaged pup. “I’m a doctor. Get over yourself. Good alphas don’t prevent their omegas from receiving medical care.”